old-fashioned men and post-modern girls

It's been a while since I've updated, and much has happened since October - though nothing as sordid or scandalous as readers might have hoped.
I've been meaning to update earlier than this late date, but it's been a very busy semester, and final exams are coming next week! I promise though, after the semester ends, I'll fully account for being MIA for the past six weeks.

I have not posted all of the exchanges with Ken Strong leading up to the poor photo (nor those since), so here I will. After my last posted reply (in Oh Lord continued), which was before the photo exchange, there were these. By the way, he sent me an account of an encounter with a girl named Stephanie, which he says was an "illustrative account" - I won't post it here because it's mostly unnecessary to follow the conversation, except to note that there was a glass bottle involved.

( His reply )

( My reply, brief with photo attached. )

( His reply, brief with poor photo attached )

At which point I said "Oh my God, that SHIRT!" and didn't write for two days - mostly due though to not knowing what to say about the photo and not having time.
But despite the polka-dot-crowns t-shirt, I decided to continue with our conversation. I don't know if there's really any way to ask for another photo, but I gave tentative overall approval (at least until we meet in person), along with a full reply to his last full letter (prior to the photo exchange):



Yes.

( For Roxie :) )

The dialog with KENSTRONG (seriously, I cannot help but make fun of it) is going well, quite enticing, quite stimulating in more ways than one - and he asks me to send my photo. So I do, and as I have training as a photographer, I think it's a rather good one of me. The color balance, the tone, the lighting, my pose, my facial expression, the modest background, etc - it was even one I took with a tripod, to avoid that I'm-holding-the-camera-as-far-away-from-my-face-as-I-can-and-you-can-see-my-outstretched-arm look. Said he of it: "Kim, yes, very nice indeed... unassuming and quiet, yet attractive and curvaceous. Very alluring and very feminine.  I'm sold."
I didn't win the first prize in the local city photography contest for nothing.
And yet? ( He replies by attaching the most unflattering thing of him I'm sure he consciously tried to find! )

In response to "Ken Strong's" letter, I wrote this.
And by the way... "Ken Strong"? Seriously? That positively screams of pseudonym.

( Mmmhmm. )

Still on hiatus.
How have things been going?
I haven't called or talked to James since we began this break - I do miss him sometimes. But I am not yet ready to run back into his arms.
Christian still has said nothing to me, I have said nothing to him. I am starting to accept the fact.
The last week or so I've been concentrating on school, work, etc.
I've considered lately posting another ad on Craigslist - but haven't felt the motivation. What would I say? The same thing as in February, except "By the way, I'm in limbo over a relationship right now, HAHAHA BAGGAGE LOL"? And go through the dismal responses over again?
No, the idea is not appealing right now.

And yet I've been lurking on Craigslist, ( and stumbled upon a series of lurid posts in the casual encounters section. )

First of all, to those of you who added me in hopes of reading sexy or interesting entries... I'm sorry, I've let you down. And now all my posts lately are about my personal misery. I don't know when I'll resume writing about all the delicious and devious things I wanted this journal to be about - but for now, the most enlightenment you'll find about teleiophilia, older men, or professors here, is that even though they (the objects of lust and affection) are older, more accomplished, smarter, more experienced than stupid boys my (our) age, there is still a very real and wretched potential to fuck everything up, make everything complicated, and get your heart broken, or shatter it your own damned self. Despite all the things I've said and done, despite all my experiences - I am still just a stupid little girl.

( So now I am essentially alone. )

( I sent Christian a note on Saturday apologizing for getting angry. )

( Too long not to cut )

( his reply )

....

( my reply )

I'm done.
And quite miserable.

I can hardly believe the conversation that followed the awkward meeting:



Are you serious? Are you seriously-fucking-serious, Professor? I cannot believe it.
I "look" nineteen? Isn't that the fucking point?! Isn't that part of the reason why you'd want to fuck me? I look nineteen and act thirty-five! What more could you ask for? Do I have to reach some arbitrary bottom line of age before you'll fuck me? I'll still be the same person then!
I can't believe this. I didn't chat to him more about it after that, but I stayed up ungodly late and wrote him this letter:

( I am fundamentally unable to understand. )

He briefly responded to it late this morning saying he was busy and he would write more fully this evening.
And so what then? Will he have considered it any further or will he just spout the same nineteen-forty-nine-nonsense he did before?
If he does, what will I do then?
One of my thoughts was, "Well, thank God I didn't break up my relationship to fuck him, considering now he doesn't want to" - but is that any saving grace or consolation? I laid in bed, looked around my room, and thought of all the comfortably dull days spent in it with James, and I thought "God, no! No more!" Whether Christian changes his mind or stands firm, I still cannot go back to that. My first solid order of business when James returns from work is to tell him I need time off and alone, regardless of whether Christian comes around to his senses. My talking to Christian is only a symptom of the fact that I do not want to be in my relationship anymore - it could have been anyone else and I would still feel the same. It could have been no one at all and I would feel the same.
If Christian responds with the same nonsense as before, I will consider myself exhausted and done. I will say no more on the subject and speak to him no more. I have said all I can say, I have nothing more at my disposal to convince him. He shall have to realize his ridiculousness on his own. I cannot waste my time and energy trying to coax him.

( I attempted to convince myself he wouldn't show. )

These chats took place on Monday night and Tuesday afternoon/evening:

( AHHHH )

Today might very possibly be the day.
I'll be working, doing my job, putting the books away and a 49-year-old Swedish computer science associate professor will come up behind me as I'm shelving, and I will look at him with an expression of pure horror on my face and faint.
Well, in the worst-case anyway.
And then?
Dunno.
Would I say "Hello, Professor"? Would I say "HOLY SHIT IT'S YOU"? Would I let him touch me? Kiss me? Feel me up? Fuck me while I'm on the job?
I don't know. I don't even know why I told him to come look for me today. James is at work on the train in El Paso for the next day or two.

( I had a dream about it. )

Oh God. What do I do? If he does show up there, what do I do?
I don't know, I don't know!
Whatever happens, I showered and combed my hair and put on my best makeup just in case.

( Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified? )

On early Sunday morning, at two in the morning to be precise, ( I called James. )

( 1:19AM - 2:06AM )

Chatlog from Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. This is going to be posted in two entries because it's too long. Read them and tell me what you think.

( 12:28AM - 1:18AM )

I spent this afternoon with James.
( Either I am good at feigning interest, or it's not difficult just because it's a habit. )

I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I almost want to die. James will be back in town today, ( and dear God, how far I have strayed since seeing him last. )

"Healthy love - something that I'm scared of,
Feels like a conspiracy, why is he so nice to me?
You give, he takes, he gives, you turn away, why do you turn away?
He gives me sweet, healthy love - so why do you turn away?
Why can't you be satisfied?"

Everything has been going well with James, ( and I have a sudden, irrational, unexplainable urge to end our relationship. )